Conspiracies That Are Reality
By Sienna Day
Climate change is becoming more and more of a problem right now. Part of the reason for this is that we have been kept from the truth of what really causes climate change. Well, I am here to let those truths free and help everyone realize how we can stop climate change once and for all. These are the six true causes of climate change:
The first (and most obvious) cause of climate change that everyone seems to conveniently ignore is the sun. It makes sense that a massive ball of fire and gas would cause climate change, but everyone is too blinded by its light to listen.
No one has found a way to do this yet, but obviously getting rid of the sun would stop global warming. It might cause the earth and everyone else to feel slightly colder, but this is a minor problem to solve after the sun is taken out.
Everyone knows that the burning of fossil fuels causes climate change, but few know why. Well, I will let you in on a little secret: the dinosaurs are getting revenge. I know it may seem far-fetched, but hear me out.
The dinosaurs somehow found out that we would continue living even after their demise and they got really jealous about this. The cold-blooded creatures decided that if they couldn’t live on Earth, then they would make their fossils destroy the entire universe!
Cars (but not for the reasons you think)
For a while now, people have been taught to believe that cars pollute the atmosphere and destroy our environment. I am here to inform you that these claims are false. The carbon dioxide released from fuel burning vehicles is not the problem here, the problem is turn signals.
As I said above, one of the primary reasons for climate change is the sun, but I didn’t mention all of the reasons why the sun would try to boil us all alive. It turns out that the turn signals on our cars are messing with the sun’s ability to heat Earth correctly. Just like how phones with airplane mode turned off mess with the plane, so too do turn signals, because the sun sees these signals as a sign to crank up the heat. Who knew!
Have you ever seen a wild polar bear in-person? And yes, I really do mean wild, not one living in a zoo or something similar. If the answer is no, then I’m not surprised. Instead of getting to live inside the roasty-toasty enclosures that we have here for them, polar bears are forced to stay in freezing cold climates.
Now, I don’t know how, but I believe that they have been finding a way to warm up their arctic homes, and in doing so, have warmed up ours as well. Maybe they have learned to make fire or have befriended some sort of fire-breathing beast of the north (I am totally not talking about dragons, that would be crazy). Either way, they have found a way to heat up their own homes, which has had dire effects on ours.
This is probably the least probable cause on the list, but I figured I should include it since a few people still believe it. Basically, some conspiracy theorists out there think us humans are to blame for climate change, but personally I think that is crazy. Humans are way too busy raising livestock, driving back and forth to work, and breathing in general to have any major effects on the climate.
Climate Change is Fake
Just like how the moon landing is fake (they landed on mars) and the earth isn’t round (it’s a square), so too is the notion that climate change is real. The logical thing is for everyone to stop trying to fight against something that doesn’t exist and continue to live life to the fullest.
By this, I mean that we should take as long of showers as we want, eat more food than our bodies can handle, and go create our own countries. It seems perfectly logical to forget that climate change exists and just be happy with the polluted world we have left (or I suppose you could join the minority and try to help the planet or something equally crazy).
As you can see, there are many causes of climate change that have been hidden from everyone for years (apart from the human theory, which is so obviously false). Luckily, I am here to inform you of these secrets and lies so that all of us can fight back against climate change and build a Death Star to vanquish the sun!
My name is Sienna Day and I’m a Freshman/Sophomore at WWU. My major is English (I know, big surprise) with an emphasis in creative writing. When I’m not writing for the humor column, I like to spend my time research random things, binge-watching Netflix, and partaking in martial arts. I also spend many hours a week working on a six-book series I hope to publish in the next few years!