Is McVay an Imposter or Being Mind Controlled?
By Lauren Vizcarra
Esteemed Walla Walla University President John McVay is seen singing “Little Bunny Foo Foo” and bopping students on the head.
Students are noticing something strange happening on campus this spring quarter—all of it centered around President McVay. He’s been exhibiting weird and, at times, outright bizarre behavior. This has been met with puzzlement and growing worry from staff, faculty, and students alike.
It started out small. On Sunday, John McVay’s mad rapping skills entertained returning students standing in line for COVID-19 testing at the WEC. He was seen spouting witty rhymes that drew in eager students who were quick to pull out their phones. Wils Haffner, junior business major, said he was delighted because he had heard rumors that McVay could rap, but had yet to see it for himself. Others were baffled at the display.
On Monday morning, Laura Gaylor, freshman nursing major, logged into Teams for her Anatomy and Physiology class. To her surprise, McVay appeared shortly after class had started. He popped in, told a quick joke, pointed at his humerus bone, and signed off, leaving a stunned class. “I just didn’t know what to think,” said Gaylor, “it was so unexpected. I thought it was a prank.”
Things only got stranger. Tuesday saw the WWU president picking through the dumpster outside the Sittner dorms. Curtis Morris, sophomore theology major, said it looked like McVay was rooting through the trash humming under his breath something that sounded like Taylor Swift’s “I Did Something Bad.” When Morris questioned him, the president said he was hiding Easter eggs and not to tell anyone.
Gabran Aruda, sophomore social work major, was longboarding down South College Avenue on Wednesday morning when President McVay stepped in front of him. Nearly crashing to a halt, Aruda stopped just in time. “Can I give it a whirl?” asked McVay. Bewildered, Aruda only nodded. Heads turned as the president zipped up and down the street performing pivots and tiger claws.
Faculty noticed a change in the University’s president too. In an administration meeting, Doug Tilstra, vice president of student life, noticed McVay constantly checking his phone. After the umpteenth time, Tilstra finally asked McVay what he was doing. “Looking at the new ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ trailer,” was his reply.
This Thursday morning it was revealed that McVay has been leading a double life. A YouTube video titled “McBae’s 20 Ways to Tell That Special Someone You Like Them” went viral. Apparently, McVay has a secret YouTube channel under the user name “Cupid McBae” for tips on all things dating related. This fact has rocked the school.
President McVay’s bizarre conduct this week has been at odds with his usually friendly, but professionally contained, manner. Rumors have been flying concerning his irregular behavior. Stranger still, when confronted, McVay does not see anything abnormal with his actions. People have speculated wild theories from an imposter McVay roaming the school, to the president’s mind being controlled, causing him to do weird and bizarre things.
A town hall has been called to discuss what to do about this conundrum. Students are being asked to report any unusual behavior displayed by the president. This meeting is to be held at midnight to insure the utmost privacy. Attendees are encouraged to don half masks (“Phantom of the Opera” style) to reflect the serious nature of the meeting as well as their normal COVID-19 protective face masks. There will be a 200 person limit.