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Vile Filth and Heresy

Vile Filth and Heresy

By John Hanson and James Oellrich 

Published October 26, 1995

Friends, we are shocked at some of the sarcastic, jaded, disgusting, border-line Satanic humor regarding Adventism that has been traveling the Internet lately. As advocates of good, clean humor, we think it’s our place to renounce this sarcasm as the language of none other than the Devil himself! If is time for our campus to rise up against this vile filth! It is time for us to take a stand and let the world know how we feel about this subterfuge that some people mistakenly call “humor.” Today, we ask that you review the following lines, titled “You Know You’re an Adventist If…” and let your voice be heard. No longer shall these jackals run free defaming the name of our remnant holy church!  

You Know You’re an Adventist If… 

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An old-fashioned newspaper on a table in black and white

  1. The first thing you do when introduced to a woman is look at her ears. 
  1. You know how to play poker with Bible Author cards and Wheat Thins. 
  1. You’ve ever looked for angels outside a movie theater. 
  1. You have a board somewhere in your closet with a bunch of knots tied to it. 
  1. You know you can engage in any recreational activity on Sabbath, as long as you don’t enjoy it. 
  1. You’re worried about Sunday laws. 
  1. You know how to turn any sport into a Sabbath sport. (i.e. Bible verse ping pong, Bible verse basketball, Bible verse foos ball. The winner of each point must receive a Bible verse, and “Jesus wept” may only be used once per game.) 
  1. You think you’re the only one who’s had these thoughts. 
  1. You’ve always volunteered to ingather on the corner with a good view of the local drive-in theater. 
  1. You can calculate sundown in Lincoln City, Neb., based on the schedule printed in the Gleaner. 
  1. You got your sex education when mom left a book by Harold Shryock M.D. on your pillow. 
  1. You wear a Rolex but you’re pretty sure rings and necklaces are for pagans. 
  1. If you know that the bells ringing on Saturday night in Loma Linda really mean “all clear.” 
  1. You wanted to see the movie, Babe, but decided to wait until it came out on video. 
  1. You only ordain women, oops, we mean men. 
  1. You can tell when someone is engaged by asking for the time. 
  1. You wonder why those pesky Catholics are always praying about a long football pass. 
  1. You go out for lunch on Sabbath afternoon, but put the check on your credit card so you’re not actually paying for the meal on Sabbath.  
  1. Your first date was to vespers. 
  1. You never take the biggest piece of pie because mom might have baked it with soap to teach you a lesson. (see Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories.) 
  1. Your favorite movie is “Johnny Lingo and His Ten Cow Wife.” 
  1. You think fake snake meat tastes like Fri Chik. 
  1. You’re pretty sure that smoking, drinking and eating meat are bigger sins than anger, resentment or gossip. 
  1. While in church, you consciously avoid any situation that might cause you to raise both hands. 
  1. You’ve sold Amway Al Williams, Cambridge, Shaklee, Equinox, or Tupperware or any other five home marketing system, but never Mary Kay! 
  1. You’ve been asked one or more of the following questions: why do you stockpile food? Don’t you pray to an angel named Macaroni? If you guys are Jewish, where are the caps? 
  1. Your “little frind” isn’t a person 
  1. When you see a couple kissing in public you have to fight the urge to put them on “social.” 
  1. Youre more worried about the caffeine in your Coke than the sugar or carbonation. 
  1. You would die of thirst before drinking coffee. 
  1. It seems that wherever you go you meet someone who knows someone you know. You then both sigh and say, It is a small world.” 
  1. You own a “Weimar Cookbook” but rarely use it. 
  1. You’ve distributed religious literature which you haven’t actually read yourself. 
  1. You wear an engagement ring on a chain around your neck, underneath your sweater. (Sothern College only.) 
  1. Parenthood held a lot of nasty surprises for you in the area of discipline because you really believed Uncle Arthur when he said “and he never disobeyed again.” 
  1. You believe that all true spirituality in church is generated from a Hammond organ. 
  1. References to the Pope give you shivers. 
  1. You don’t have a favorite college football team. 
  1. You know that “the lesser light” is not a reference to the moon. 
  1. You wince when someone says “celebration.” Even if they’re talking about a birthday party. 
  1. You believe there are two kinds of music: those on the Chapel records label and those that are of the Devil. 
  1. You know what the term 1-A-O means. 
  1. Your Armani tie falls in your soup because you refuse to wear a tie tack. 
  1. If you’ve consumed more Special K in loaf form than in bowls. 
  1. You were offended by last week’s humor column. 

Ladies and gentlemen, (mostly gentlemen, because we all know who has the clout in this church) we call upon you this day to end this heresy. Let your voice be heard even as the three angel’s message is heard. This blasphemy must be stopped!

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