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Secretly Sweaty

Secretly Sweaty

An Article on Armpits 

By Sienna Day

More layers means more sweat. We all want to look stylish in our puffers, but can’t take them off, otherwise everyone will see that our pits are dripping. 

We all know what puffers are. Most of us wear them and for those of us who don’t, we at least know a guy who knows a guy who wears one. 

Posing with a puffer. Photo by Emmanuel Acua.

These jackets may be very warm and cozy, but there is that one itsy bitsy downfall: the sweat. It’s not surprising; when you have a jacket that keeps you so toasty, you are bound to get a little sweaty in specific areas. 

And yes, I am talking about your armpits. 

You may be wondering how an article on armpits could be even the least bit appealing (especially when the smell from you-know-where is not). 

Truthfully, I don’t know, but if you are reading this line about me not knowing how armpits would be an interesting topic that must mean you are interested. Otherwise you would have shut down your cell phone or computer or whatever device you’re reading this on. Or decided to read a different, more attractive article. 

But you’re not here to read a different article, are you? You are here to know how to possibly stop your underarm (undershoulder?) from sweating so you can take off that puffer and breath. 

With my vast knowledge of eighteen years I can tell you only two keys to solving this inevitable predicament: 

  1. Don’t wear gray. 
  1. Don’t wear puffers (I don’t). 
Why does he look cold while he’s wearing a puffer?! Photo by Rabie Madaci. 

If that solves your problem, then good. These are easy fixes that require you to do NOTHING (as opposed to many solutions that require you to actually DO things, which is quite horrifying). 

If these two tips don’t help you then I’m not sure what to say. But I do still have to complete my article on armpits so I will continue talking about them. 

Armpits. Most of us have them. All of them smell without our intervention. Why am I writing about armpits? 

Maybe I should focus more on the puffers. That sounds like a more fascinating read. Puffers come in all colors of the rainbow (probably) and you can wear them all the time (as long as it’s cold). They are so puffy that you are almost six feet away from someone else when you are standing right next to them! 

I kind of want to go back to the armpit discussion. 

No, Sienna, FOCUS! 

With so many people wearing puffers, it is easy to blend into the crowd. It masks your figure and can make you look like almost any other puffer-wearer. You would probably blend in enough to get away with anything. 

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Even the snow around her can’t cool those sweaty pits. Photo by Kelly Sikkema.

Like avoiding a conversation with someone by convincing them you’re someone else. Or maybe getting out of work because you can’t move your arms in that thing. Or getting away with murder. Or sweaty armpits. 

Whoops, did it again. 

Puffers and armpits just go hand in hand. To be a puffer-lover you must also be a lover of sweaty pits. 

Another solution to the problem of sweat can be described as both destructive and revolutionary: cut holes in your puffer where the armpits reside. That way your pits can stay cool and dry while the rest of your body feels like a campfire. In the middle of summer. In the Sahara. 

Or you could wear your puffer unzipped (or not at all *cough cough* save money *cough cough*). That way the breeze can penetrate to the nether regions of your arms. 

You could also try wearing your puffer as a cape. Looking like a superhero is never a bad thing and capes have never gone out of style; people have been brainwashed to think that they have, but this is false. 

I hope all of you enjoyed this enlightening article on puffy jackets and sweaty pits. You can now tell your friends all about it, who upon hearing this, will think of you as a very wise and disturbed human being. 

You can also live your life hoping to never read another article on armpits (purely because they would never compare to this one, not because of the whole armpit thing obviously). 

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